


Atone for my sins.

by fxlminare



Series: BELLAMY BLAKE COLLECTION [60]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Guilty Bellamy Blake, Heavy Angst, POV Bellamy Blake, The 100 (TV) Season 3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-04
Updated: 2020-06-04
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:27:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,770
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24541543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fxlminare/pseuds/fxlminare
Summary: "it is around season 3 with the whole ALIE chaos, maybe the reader takes the chip because she can't handle the pain she has from Bellamy, and I just really want him to feel guilty, they won't get back together but he has to really see how much he hurt her and feel that guilt. maybe she chipped talks to him and that's why he feels guilty?"
Relationships: Bellamy Blake/Reader
Series: BELLAMY BLAKE COLLECTION [60]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2110968
Comments: 1
Kudos: 6





	Atone for my sins.

**Author's Note:**

> ****
> 
> **a/n:** this would be part 2 for "I won't take the blame" but I've realized you can also read it on its own, so there's that. I'll just say it's a bit of a cruel one so, you know, be prepared.

**YOUR POV**

It had gotten better for a bit, those three months in which we knew nothing but peace did help me heal a little bit; I had been spending most of my time with Jasper for he truly seemed to despise Bellamy just as much as I did, which I welcomed. Bellamy had broken my heart but he had murdered the only person Jasper had ever truly loved: that was fucked up. We had bonded over that but I never quite got as bad as Jasper was for I knew if I got drunk and Bellamy came to me, I'd be fucking stupid and yield and I couldn't have that, not now that I was learning new stuff; Raven had been a pillar for my recovery, keeping my mind busy and just keeping me company in general; we had moved in together and I would never be able to repay her for her words of encouragement and the love she showed me. Lincoln had been teaching me to defend myself, nurturing my body like Raven nurtured my mind. I couldn't have asked for better friends. No, they weren't friends, they were family. My family.

But then, as everything in my life, it all went to shit. Pike showed up, taking control of the place, saying that the only option for us to survive was murdering the Grounders; quite frankly, I had enough going on in my mind to pay him any attention and, on top of that, Jaha showed back up one day too out of nowhere, talking about a city with light or something; I hadn't paid him much attention either, honestly. Until I did. Or, more so, was left with no other option than to listen. He came to Jasper and I's table one night, starting to speak about healing and pain, love and hurt, asking us what we'd do to stop feeling the way we did. Jasper shoved his bottle of booze to his face and I simply shrugged my shoulders, saying I was improving slowly, which was how these things worked: you can't rush healing. At least, I thought I couldn't right until that afternoon.

\- "What if I told you there's a way?"

\- "Then I'd ask what the price is." -I eyed him- "There's always a catch with you."

\- "There's no such thing with the City of Light."

\- "So that means I'd have to move? Now that explains it all." -I crossed my arms over my chest, sinking on my chair- "That's the catch."

\- "No, Y/N, the City of Light is everywhere."

\- "How can a city be everywhere?"

\- "It's a place for the mind."

\- "So like a different plane of existence? Designed for our minds and feelings but not for our physical body." -he nodded satisfied- "You're in it right now?"

\- "I just have to close my eyes and I'm there."

\- "That easy?"

\- "That easy."

I furrowed my eyebrows. Maybe he had a point; truth was, he seemed more at peace than I had ever seen Mr. Chancellor, like nothing could disturb his peace of mind, like he was finally at ease. I kept thinking there had to be a trick, how could such a place exist and all of us still be here suffering? My incredulous side knew something was up.

\- "Here."

Jaha took something from his pocket, two small chips that could have resembled cookies if you closed one eye and were open-minded; he handed one to Jasper who immediately put it in his pocket before keeping on drinking; then, Jaha focused on me.

\- "This one's for you." -he placed the device on my hand, closing my fingers around it and giving my wrist a gentle squeeze- "Whenever you're ready, we'll be waiting."

\- "We? Is there someone I know already in there?"

\- "Raven's with us now."

Now that certainly explained why she had been in such a long-lasting happy mood lately, unbothered when things went wrong and optimistic 100% of the time. I looked at the chip again, wondering how it worked.

\- "Simply put it in your mouth and close your eyes."

I nodded, our conversation obstructed and all the questions I wanted to ask going unanswered as Kane interrupted us, pushing Jaha away from us as I hid the chip in my jacket, looking around me to make sure no one, except Jasper, knew I had one. Everyone had been acting weird about it but I was certain that was because they weren't in pain, not like we were. And with this whole Pike thing, anywhere was better than here, especially since he seemed to have a grudge against Lincoln; I couldn't have cared any less about the rest of the Grounders, but Lincoln had helped me through so much... I sighed, lying to Kane as he came to us, asking us about what Jaha had told us and whether we had a chip of not; Jasper lied with me, keeping up his drinking game, Kane leaving us there, exasperated walk as he exited the room.

How bad could it really be? And why were Dr. Griffin and Kane so reticent towards what Jaha was showing us? _I mean, if we can get some peace of mind in this shitty place, it couldn't be so horrible, right?_ I said goodbye to Jasper and made my way back to Raven and I's room, going over what Jaha had told me. _Maybe he couldn't answer my questions, but if Raven was there too, then surely she will._ I smiled to myself, finding a new glimmer of hope for my future, unable not to feel lighter at the thought of a time in which seeing Bellamy around wouldn't trigger all the pain he made me feel to come back to the surface.

\- "Hey, Y/N!"

Raven intercepted me a couple of doors away from our room; I had to admit, she looked happier than I had seen her in a while and that, in return, made me happy. I smiled as she wrapped her arm around my own, quickly going over what she had been doing that afternoon and explaining to me what her plans for me the next day were.

\- "You're essential personnel now too, Y/N, you're going to be a busy bee from now on."

\- "I'd love that." -I nodded satisfied, opening the door for her and following her inside- "I have something to ask you."

\- "The City of Light?"

\- "How you know?"

\- "Jaha."

\- "I see."

I wasn't sure if that eased my worries; I didn't know what'd have been worse: her knowing because Jaha actually went to her because he knew I'd talk to her or that she knew, somehow, by magic; maybe all minds were connected in the City of Light. Did I like that? Would that mean having other people's memories? Their pain? I didn't want that.

\- "Ask away and I'll answer as best as I can." -Raven chuckled at my zoned out state- "I'm going to shower."

**\-------------------------**

**BELLAMY'S POV**

I had enough problems as it was to also have to worry about Jaha's delusions so I chose to ignore him, focusing on my job as a guard under Pike's orders. We needed someone like him, unafraid to say things as they were, act when it was needed; someone that wouldn't bow down to the Grounders, doing everything it took to keep our people safe. We got rid of their army easily; it had been a low blow, but we needed to get rid of them before they came after us. Survival of the fittest or, in this case, the smartest.

Things were going okay after that; my sister wasn't too happy but she was also dating a Grounder so it wasn't as if she weren't biased. I thought I was right; I thought this was what we needed until I realized it really wasn't: Pike decided to round up the Grounders in our camp, including Lincoln, saying they were dangerous. I knew Lincoln, he wouldn't hurt a soul in here. But I couldn't' exactly go against the Chancellor, so I decided to just see how things went. The answer? Worse. Not only was the City of Light a joke but we also discovered that the chips to get there were actually controlled by an AI that made people forget all their memories, which was how they got rid of the pain. Raven had tried to get rid of hers but the AI had made her slit her arms to regain control of her body and mind. I doubted anyone else would take them now.

\- "Look where you're going!" -I shoved the person that I had run into to the side- "Y/N?"

\- "Pleasant as ever, Bellamy Blake."

That was off. We weren't speaking; more so, she wasn't speaking to me but that was just because she was angry I had broken up with her and moved on and she was stuck utterly in love with me. I should have known she'd get this attached as soon as I met her, but we had had our fun. But never since we met had she called me for my full name.

\- "Cat got your tongue?" -she chuckled, standing tall in front of me; something was really off about her behavior- "Finally seeing how much of a jerk you are?"

\- "What's up with you? I thought you were pretending to hate my guts."

\- "I don't have to pretend." -she shook her head, a smile still on her lips- "I hate everything about you. I hate you and what you represent. I hate who you are and how you manipulate people to your own benefit and then throw them away like a used tissue. You're repugnant."

That's when it clicked: the chip. That was the only explanation as to why someone as weak as Y/N would find the courage to talk back to me like that.

\- "You took the chip, didn't you?" -I grabbed her by her shoulders- "Why did you do that? After knowing what she did to Raven."

\- "So I wouldn't feel like I want to die every time I see you."

That hurt me more than a blow to the balls, actually taking a step back and narrowing my eyes as I saw the pleased smile on her face; I knew that wasn't Y/N but still, when ALIE took control, I knew the truth always came out of the person chipped.

\- "Yeah, I took the chip because of you, because you're a jerk and you broke my heart and you act like that's something to be proud of. You're a disgusting narcissist."

\- "Y/N, please, stop."

\- "What? You can't deal with knowing the type of person you really are?" -she took a step towards me, psycho look in her eyes as she focused them on mine- "Everyone is always praising you, good old Bellamy, always risking his life for the rest. But they don't know you like I do, they don't know you behind closed doors."

\- "Y/N."

\- "No, you're going to hear all of it." -she grabbed my arm and I didn't find it in me to fight her, shoving me into a room and locking the door after us- "And, once I'm done with you," -she moved her hand to her pocket, taking something out and showing it to me- "you'll join us."

\- "What makes you think I'm weak enough to sell my brain to an AI?"

\- "Oh, we don't want your brain, you don't have anything inside your head worth the hassle; we just want your body." -that caught me off guard, taking a step back- "Oh, don't worry, it's just because people seem to only follow idiots with pretty faces, yours will help the cause."

\- "What cause?"

\- "No questions; it's your time to listen." -she forced me on a chair; I had to admit, after all this time, she had gotten stronger and it wasn't only because of the chip, I almost couldn't recognize her, part of me wondering why I pushed her away from me in the first place, she was hot- "Where should I begin? What will break you faster? Or should I take it slow?" -she glanced at me- "You got time?"

\- "Not much, actually, we..."

\- "Alright." -she cut me off- "The summary is that you're a waste of space, you're an excuse of a human being and people only follow you because of your body."

\- "Y/N..."

\- "You're no leader, you're a lap-dog; when you're alone, you break like glass and you need someone to put the pieces back together which was exactly what I was to you: a garbage collector."

She laughed loudly like I hadn't heard her in a while, looking next to me, like she was following someone with her eyes; I felt so uncomfortable. I didn't have to hear any of this, she was just saying things she didn't mean to make me feel bad and I hated that it was kind of working; I mean, no one wanted to hear that they were an awful person.

\- "I know you're thinking ALLIE is talking for me but, truth is, she's just helping me put my feelings for you into words. I have to thank her, or else you'd have gotten away with what you did to me."

\- "I did nothing to you!" -I rose from my chair, exasperated- "We got together, we fucked, we had fun and we broke up; that's life, Y/N, get on with it."

\- "Oh, but that's not true, is it?" -she giggled as she shook her head, she looked... amused- "You're a great liar, you even believe all that's true, don't you? Let me refresh your memory."

She pushed me onto the chair again, much harder this time; before I could react, I heard the click of a pair of cuffs, trying to move my arms but unable to as Y/N had handcuffed my hands behind the chair, her laughter taking over anything else I could hear, anger rushing through my veins as I tried to get to her, screaming at her to set me free before she got herself in more trouble, but nothing seemed to bother her, nothing of what I said made her react the way I wanted her to; if anything, it only added to the fuel of her laughter. I hated this; I hated not being the one in absolute control.

\- "How does that feel?" -Y/N paced the room in front of me, her eyes never leaving me, like a hungry animal looking at a defenseless prey- "Being at the complete mercy of someone else? Someone you can't fully trust?"

\- "Let me go!"

\- "But we are just getting started." -she shook her head- "Don't worry, it'll be quick."

\- "What do you want?" -I tried to move the chair- "What does she want?"

\- "She wants me to set myself free by telling you how I really feel." -she crossed her arms over her chest- "As for me? I want you to suffer and I want you to break. I want you to be miserable for the rest of your worthless life to the point to which you'll beg mercy from me."

I gulped, staying still as her eyes moved to her side, nodding as if she were having a conversation with someone else; this whole situation was surreal. I looked around me, trying to see if there was anything I could use to my advantage.

\- "You're lucky." -Y/N regained my attention, standing in front of me- "We don't have time to waste on you so I'll be quick." -she smiled- "But it won't be painless."

\- "I'm trained to undergo torture, there's nothing you can do that..."

\- "Oh, but I'm not going to hurt you physically, that'd be a waste." -she chuckled dryly- "Oh, no, Bellamy, I'm going to destroy your mind."

\- "I..."

\- "How does it feel to be just the piece of meat everyone wants?" -she cut me off before I could say two words- "How does it feel knowing people only follow you because you've mastered the art of talking too much, too loud and lying like there's no tomorrow."

I furrowed my eyebrows, realizing this was not going to be easy, clenching my jaw for a second before releasing the tension and focusing back on Y/N.

\- "That's the best you can do?"

\- "You wish." -she chuckled- "You think I'm weak, you think I said I wanted to die because I can't live without you but, truth is, I wanted to die because I couldn't handle living in a world in which pieces of shit like you get praised for doing the bare minimum once."

I knew sooner or later someone would start looking for me; it was just a matter of time that they found us. I could resist. There was nothing Y/N could say to hurt me, she was just an ex that was stuck in the past.

\- "I guess all that is nothing compared to being the worse kind of human the world has known: a desperate, manipulative piece of shit. You take people, you use them, get them to do things for you, to you and then, once you get bored... onto the next. How can you live with yourself? You said you hated the Ark because it killed your mother but I think that was you." -she was going low- "You were not thinking about your sister, no, you were thinking of how thankful she'll be to you, about how she'd owe you big time for that, for allowing her to be a kid of her age for once. You were thinking of how, one day, she'd have to act as you said, do as you ordered; she'd have to anyway for you'd have to keep her safe for the rest of your lives. Maybe you actually let her get caught on purpose, set yourself free from the burden..."

\- "Shut up!"

\- "Am I wrong?"

\- "Shut up!"

\- "And then, you landed on the ground, fearing for your life so you realized the best thing was to get everyone under the yoke of your oppressive, controlling, calculative, selfish power. You don't inspire people, you terrify them. You terrified me to the point to which I felt like being with you was the safest bet."

\- "What?"

\- "I forced myself to believe that your hurtful tone was you not knowing how to express love to me; you made me believe that your criticism to everything I did was a compliment in disguise: _"Y/N, let your hair down, you look like a boy in a ponytail"_ and I thought, _"Oh, he means he likes my hair, he just doesn't want to look like he can be soft and gentle in front of the other kids"_ and I put my hair down and you nodded at me, rewarding me with a kiss or squeezing my ass." -she shook her head- "What a fool, I even took all those side disapproving glances instead of being honest about it."

I couldn't answer to that, she was right; I had been a jerk to her and I had loved it every time as she came back to me; no matter how horrible I was, she always came back, ready for more, asking for more; she was mine until I decided I didn't want her anymore, moving on to someone new. I loved the power I had over her. I loved that she was so fragile that I could control her with a mere look.

\- "And how about you practically forced me to rely on you for everything? I was lucky to get out of your embrace and find my friends after the shit you put me through. Lies were the rule with you. And, of course, you always came first: "Bellamy this, Bellamy that, come do this for me, go grab that for me, let me have this, you do as I say...". And I fell for all of it. Not even once did you do shit for me!"

\- "That's not how I recall our sex-life, sweetheart."

\- "Oh, you enjoyed that a lot didn't you? The power play, having me at your absolute mercy, weak and powerless underneath you, taking it all as you threw it at me."

\- "If you hated everything so much, why didn't you leave?"

\- "Because I loved you!" -she fisted her hands to her sides, raising her voice- "Because you made me believe that was love, you made me believe I had nowhere to go without you. And I was naïve and you took advantage of that. That's who you are: an abusive manipulator."

\- "I never put my hands on you."

\- "You didn't, but you destroyed my mind; that's abuse too." -she clicked her tongue- "I so wanted to go back at you every time I saw you." -she chuckled- "It felt so good breaking Bri's nose but I realized, what I truly wanted, was to break yours because, after all, she was just another one in your list, a downgrade from my smartass that you hated so much. Maybe that's why you ran to force her on her back, right? Because you knew she wouldn't fight back like I did at the beginning and up until you destroyed everything I liked about myself. Yeah, I made you work."

I was not enjoying any of this; I didn't enjoy how she was describing me, my actions; I was just having fun but she was making it all look like a crime.

\- "You're exactly the opposite of the Greek heroes you like so much: you're selfish, destructive, possessive and self-centered; you're weak as much as you're covered in muscle; you are jealous to the core, everything wrong in the world was my fault, I put you first and even that wasn't enough."

I gulped as her words settled in. I truly was everything I despised, everything I looked down on other people for, I was doing myself. Y/N had taken me at my worst, she had loved me and I had hurt her deeply; I had seen it as she walked around Arkadia at the beginning, barely lifting her feet from the ground, eyes glued to her feet and I hadn't cared in the slightest; in fact, I had enjoyed seeing how miserable she was without me. I had taken advantage of that to sleep with her again and rub it on her face the morning after.

\- "And now, here you are, Pike's little soldier, mass-murdering people just because you're weak and afraid."

\- "No..." -I shook my head- "That's not who I am."

\- "Oh, really? Then how come even your sister disserted you?" -she smiled, licking her lips as I felt the pain she wanted me to feel; as what I had done to her started to settle in- "She despises your guts just as much as the rest of us do. And what do you do when someone hates you? You destroy them."

\- "I..."

\- "First, Murphy: exiled and almost murdered by the Grounders. Twice. Then Finn: murdered by Clarke. Then Maya: you burnt her from the inside out, just like everyone else in that mountain. Those Grounders out there that Lexa sent to protect us? All gone. Because you were terrified. Because you are a weak little kid trapped in a man's body. All those people saw how you were and paid for it. Just like I did. I was just lucky to make it out alive. How sad is that I have to consider myself the lucky one? And all because I'm the only one still alive."

\- "Y/N... I..."

\- "And now, Kane, Sinclair, and Lincoln, all locked up. What do you think will happen."

\- "Don't say it."

\- "So you see the pattern." -she smiled as I felt my bowels twisting inside me- "Great, you might not be as stupid as we think."

\- "Yes, please, stop."

\- "Oh, no, I'm going to break you so listen to me very carefully."

\- "Y/N..." -I lowered my eyes but she forced my head up- "Please, I'm sorry."

\- "You haven't' been sorry a day in your life. I know you enjoyed breaking me, using me, watching me die as much as my body was alive, and then taking advantage of me once more to make sure I knew who I belonged to, who had the power, who..."

\- "I..."

\- "Dalton is in here too, I know everything."

\- "I was just..."

\- "I don't care, Bellamy Blake, the pain you caused me is all gone now." -she took my chin in her hand- "Lucky for you, I can make yours go away too."

\- "I..."

\- "So, back to Lincoln, Sinclair, and Kane; what do you think is going to happen to them now?"

\- "Nothing."

\- "You're not as good of a liar as you pretend to be." -she let go aggressively of my face- "Pike will get them all executed, it's just a matter of time, right?" -I didn't want to answer that- "And whose fault is that?" -I lowered my head, allowing it to drop as I closed my eyes- "Say it."

\- "Mine."

\- "Louder."

\- "It's my fault!" -I rose my head, meeting her eyes- "I'm sorry for everything I've done, for all I put you through... I can't... I'm..."

I felt the façade I had worked so hard on finally crumbling to pieces as Y/N stood in front of me, closing my eyes and allowing my head to fall forward, fisting my hands. She was right about everything, not only was I a monster but also a mass murderer; how could I ever live with that? Knowing what I knew about myself? How could I pretend I wasn't just acting out of fear? How could I go about my day, knowing the pain I had caused Y/N, knowing she had taken the chip because of me, especially now that I knew what it had done to Raven?

\- "It hurts, doesn't it?" -Y/N stood in front of me- "I can help you with that, Bell."

I moved my eyes from the floor to meet hers; she looked like herself again, even if it was for only just a second. What she had become, it was all because of the excruciating pain I had put her through. I felt a tear running down my cheek, immediately breaking eye contact with her but not for long, her hand on my chin as she sat on my lap; I could feel her warmth, I had missed it. Her eyes were soft looking into mine, her thumb rubbing my chin.

\- "You just have to ask." -she moved closer to me, her lips above mine- "The pain can disappear, trust someone who would have chosen to die instead of living another day with all of it."

\- "Y/N, help me, please."

I knew how my voice sounded, I knew she could hear how broken I was, how destroyed I felt inside as I asked for help, something I hadn't truly done... ever. She nodded, her lips soon over mine and I felt... safe, kissing her back instantly, allowing her to be as messy as she wanted; I just wanted to feel nothing, her tongue playing with mine for just a second before I had to breathe, moving back, the tears clouding my vision, feeling her hand moving over my shoulder to the back of my neck, tangling her fingers in my hair as I met her gaze.

\- "Open."

I did as she asked, not moving my eyes from hers as I felt her placing something over my tongue, her hands now on my cheeks, rubbing my skin as the tears kept pouring down my eyes, her soft lips on my forehead before she hugged me.

\- "You're safe, Bell." -she kissed my neck- "Close your eyes and set yourself free. I'll meet you there."

I kissed her chest over her shirt, wishing she had freed my wrist from the cuffs so I could hold her; I took a deep breath, feeling calm as she ran her fingers down my hair, no noise around us to disturb the peaceful atmosphere before I closed my eyes. I felt the fear dissipating as I opened them again, but it wasn't Y/N I saw, and I wasn't in Arkadia; I was in a street surrounded by high buildings like I had never seen before, people walking around me with as a sense of purpose as peace started to take over me. I turned around only to be met with a new pair of eyes belonging to a woman dressed in a red dress.

\- "Welcome to the City of Light, Bellamy Blake."

**Author's Note:**

> ↡↡Thoughts? Comments? Questions? Feedback?↡↡
> 
> **⇝ Let me know, please ⇜**  
> 


End file.
